Yes, Dancer in the Dark is a great film starring one of my favorite women in the world, Bjork as she plays the endearing/heart wrenching role of a blind mother. This post is not about a film though, but a similar theme of facing fear, embracing the unknown, and submitting to that which we can not see, the darkness. It’s also about diving deep to do the work on ourselves, the “shadow” work. Lastly, I would like to explore the theme of bats, which are the true “dancers in the dark” but I will get to that.

As I have just trail blazed off to start a new life in Baja California Sur, alone (solo human, but w/ my dog companions Tanka and Hooj.) I don’t really know how I ended up here besides doing what I do best which is following my heart.  After growing deep roots in Oregon for the last twenty years and raising a daughter it was a bold thing for me to break out of my comfort zone but there were so many things not working. I felt that no matter how much work I was doing on myself the transformation could not happen there. Life had become unsustainable w/ the cost of living on the rise and the migration of people that moved to Portland the town was busting at it’s seams. The city I once loved was a war zone, and I could no longer afford it. My body finally shut down after a third part time garden job left me w/ a back injury this past summer, and one that I could not seem to heal. This was a huge wakeup call considering I am an active, healthy person, who eats well, does yoga, believes in self-care and natural health so I must be invincible? Right?

So it was more of a big push than a decision of my own to find a new home. My daughter and I have never been apart so that part was hard, but she is exercising her independance tooth and nail to be on her own and thinks she does not need me right now.. She said straight up, “Mom, you really need to move to Mexico like you've always wanted to do.” I think it might have been me asking her to help me put on my underwear one day when my back went out that sent her over the edge, but you don’t have to ask me twice. I was also a bit attached to my stuff. I had let these things define me.  Still just material though right? These small tokens were worth the trade off for mountains, desert, desolate beaches, whale watching from bed, daily dips in the ocean and stargazing like never before. Like I said..I have the follow my “heart thing down”.

Now that I am here it’s even more beautiful, peaceful, and fulfilling than I had imagined. The days are filled with so much sparkling light, and natural wonders it seems there can’t be anymore more beauty to discover until the next day I wake up to find more awesomeness.  It’s desert-mountain-ocean scape all in one. The Pacific ocean is this deep, jewel toned sapphire color which I call “baja blue” and the water is very healing to experience 24/7. It’s the first thing I see when I wake up and then I go play in the waves. This is my daily bathing ritual which saves on water since this resource is limited here. The sand is specked w/ sparkling gold flakes that shimmer into the infinite wild . Even as I try to stay home and work there are no walls seperating me from the sea as the home is an “open” floor plan. As I write here and now there are whales jumping about and it’s that sunset time of day where the mobula rays do their flapping parade jumping up from the water into the air one leap at a time. I love the flippy flop noise they make and can hear them coming a mile away!  

Even when I can’t see the ocean there is the constant presence as I listen to her roar at night. It is the night time here where I am still not settled.  As heavenly as I have describe of the days where rocks me in her loving arms I have so many fears which come up for me at night because it is so dark. West towards the sea there is nothing between me and the next thing except for thousands upon thousands of miles of water and darkness. Then with the open desolate desert there is nothing really around me in the other directions (except for a few houses in the far distance.) Just more darkness. It is very intense.

I am reminded of a childhood vision I had of seeing “the Boogie Man outside” when I looked out of the window at night. I will never forget that figure. He stood by a tree in the yard. I was really afraid of the dark as child because of this, and had not really noticed until just weeks ago, after really experiencing darkness again that I still had this fear. A few years back I read Daniel Pinchbeck’s psychedelic encounter he describes in the book, “Return of the Quetzalcoatl” where he meets a spirit, Mr. Iboga, after taking an African hallucinogenic root which is now be used to treat severe addictions. Mr Iboga has appeared to many others who have also describe him in in the same aesthetic. This was MY “boogie man” to a tee! Mr. Iboga is known to be the “PRIMORDIAL WISDOM TEACHER OF HUMANITY!” I guess this spirit does great w/ Q & A so next time if I see him maybe I will say hello.

As far as this actual realm goes there are the animal creatures I am getting use to here in my desert oasis. My guy friend, Stephen was here with me the first couple of weeks and even then I was scared to be outside at night in fear of getting stung by a scorpion, or attacked by wild coyotes. I pretended to collect driftwood for my next macrame project but I was really looking for the best ass kicking stick I could find. He made lots of fun of my wild imagination. He is in Mexico City now, and I just watched a video of him eating a scorpion!  One night we scooted our chairs out from the covered patio to enjoy the night. The sky was lit up w/ the New Moon in hiding, there was nothing but stars. Some stargazing was worth facing my scorpion fear until the giant desert bats came flying by right in front of our faces. Bats were not even on my radar, but I was on theirs! Since all of the walls are actually glass sliders that open up my home to the great outdoors I was concerned about the bats flying into the house, but Stephen confirmed we were safe from the bats. I don’t want to quote him on this but he might have even said they would not come in. The little, scared girl in me was appeased and I put that fear to rest.

Oh the darkness! It gets such a bad name. Like “light” must mean good, and “dark” must mean bad. Well fast forward a couple days and my bat fear came to fruition. Stephen informed me that big bat did fly right inside,but he was so couth to get it out before I even knew. If I had not grilled him (repeatedly) as to why he got up and starting sweeping in the middle of the night I may not have never known. He never technically saw the bat leave either so I brace myself now every time I open the closet. I also close up everything as soon as the Sun sets to prevent this from happening again. One of my dear friends was even just recently treated w/ a multitude of vaccines because she sat on a bat by accident in Oregon so call me crazy but people can get bit by bats.  

Even with these precautions another bat JUST got trapped inside as I had left the slider barely cracked for my husky. Stephen is gone now, so I am truey facing my fears alone.

THIS IS A SIGN. WHAT IS THE TOTEM MEANING OF THE BAT? WHY DOES THIS THEME KEEP SHOWING UP?

WHAT HEALING DOES MY SPIRIT NEED?

WHAT DOES THE MEDICINE OF THE BAT OFFER?

Ina Wilcoot writes a beautiful piece here about the bat as a symbol of rebirth and facing our fears. The message is exactly what I needed to help connect what I have been both working on in myself and some missing pieces of the puzzle . http://www.shamanicjourney.com/bat-power-animal-symbol-of-rebirth

“Bat’s wisdom includes shamanic death and rebirth, initiation, viewing past lives, pollination of new ideas, transition, understanding grief, the use of vibrational sound, camouflage, invisibility, ability to observe unseen, secrets. Shaman initiates go through a ritual death, sometimes with the aid of teacher plants and/or fasting. Here they confront their fears and are reborn without their old identities. Bats help us to release fear and patterns which no longer fits within our pattern of growth.

Bat flying into your life signifies that transformation of the ego self is about to occur, the end of a way of life and the start of another. This transition can be very frightening for many, even just to think about. But you will not grow spiritually until you let go these old parts of you that are NOT NEEDED. Facing the darkness before you will help you find the light in rebirth. The bat gives you the wisdom required to make the appropriate changes for the birthing of your new identity.

Bats have needle like teeth and can sometimes be rabies carriers, an infectious disease of the blood. It can cause a person to go mad. Fears that are permitted to spread, unchecked will in the end saturate our system, and can create a kind of madness within our lives. Bats reflect the need to face up to our fears.”

So it’s not all fun and games in paradise as I have so much work to keep doing on myself. There is the easy stuff, like letting go of patterns that are no longer serving me by completely uprooting my life, and then there is the hard stuff like the “death of ego” as described above and the “rebirth”. I feel like there are many parts of me that have yet to be born! Before I had even left Oregon I had started to research what is known as “shadow work” which tends to fit into this “what lies in the darkness” theme that has come up for me now.  We have all of these parts of us that we have hidden and buried deep into our subconscious in fear of not being loved. We can have total gems, or parts of ourselves waiting to be discovered and shine. This resonated so much w/ me but I had a hard time finding out how to do this work.

The moon is getting close to full so there is more light out there in my desert realms at night and I am working on facing my fears of the dark. I remember that the whale friends are still out there holding up that love grid. I even had to walk through the darkness quite a ways last night to retrieve Tanka who usually sticks close to home. I could see him just laying there lifeless quite a ways out. I thought for a minute he had been struck by a rattlesnake as he was laying by a snake hole (fuck you fear), but no he was basking in the moon beams as if under a lunar spell. It will be our first full moon here so I shall see how wolfy he gets in the next couple of days.

Now after the Sun sets I try to focus on the amazing night sky. I have been enraptured each night as Venus rises. Mesmerizing! She beams so bright that the ocean lights up in her glow. She is like a mini Moon but w/ Venus beams instead of Moonbeams. As this planet of love and creativity just entered into the unconventional and independent sign of Aquarius for the next few weeks am star struck. Venus in this sign is a reminder to : let us be friends and lovers. Let's experience love at first sight. Let's embrace freedom,expression and get experimental in creation.

So in conclusion, besides doing shadow work, art projects, dancing under the moon, and starting a "dark" themed perfume label to face my fears, and embrace the dark unknown, I have noticed my other senses such as hearing has become more refined. There is actually an orchestra of sound that fills the night between the waves crashing and the desert creatures chirping. It's nice.  I also keep making connections here and met a wonderful neighbor who owns much of this property and has been in the area since the 1960's. He is nothing but good vibes and he has really helped me to feel safe and secure. He built a giant industrial swing on his property which is a thrill of a ride. When I asked him how he dreamt the design up, he responded that he was put here to experience as much fun and joy in life and help others do the same. His family, son,daughter and grandson) have just arrived to make a home here too so I am feeling like I have an adopted family here now that are just a hop, skip, and jump through the field of cacti if I am ever in need.